My Spoonie Sisters
Welcome to My Spoonie Sisters! If you're wondering what a "Spoonie" is, it’s a term lovingly embraced by those living with chronic illnesses, based on the Spoon Theory. It’s all about managing our limited energy (or “spoons”) while navigating life’s challenges.
Each week, join us to hear from your "Spoonie Sisters" host, co-hosts, and our inspiring special guests as we share real-life stories, tips, and encouragement. Whether you're here to learn, connect, or feel less alone, you’ll find a supportive space filled with understanding, laughter, and strength. Let’s journey through chronic illness together!
Tune in and join the sisterhood!
All guests featured or mentioned in this podcast will be listed for your convenience. Don't forget to rate and subscribe to My Spoonie Sisters and follow @MySpoonieSisters on Instagram for updates on new episodes and more. If you have a story to share or want to be featured on My Spoonie Sisters, please email MySpoonieSisters@gmail.com. We eagerly look forward to speaking and hearing from all our Spoonies!
Disclaimer: While we are not doctors or healthcare Practitioners, we want to assure you that this podcast is a credible source of information. It's based on our guests' personal experiences and the strategies we've found effective for ourselves. However, everyone's body is unique, and what works for one person may not work for another. If you have any health-related questions, it's always best to consult your Primary Doctor or Rheumatologist.
Remember, our goal at My Spoonie Sisters is to connect people and provide them with the support and tools they need to live better lives.
My Spoonie Sisters
Behind the Mask: Raw Conversations When the Spoons Run Out
What does chronic illness really look like when no one's watching? When the "I'm fine" mask slips away?
The Spoonie Sisters gather for an unfiltered, emotional conversation about the reality behind the façade. This episode dives deep into what happens when medication stops working, when anger takes over, and when your body betrays you despite doing "everything right."
Linnea opens up about her current flare, sharing how she's processing rage through unexpected methods (yes, screaming into pillows actually helps!). Meanwhile, Jen reveals her struggle with weight gain and confidence - how gaining 26 pounds affected not just her body but her willingness to show up online. The sisters discuss the complexity of watching others thrive on social media while you're suffering, and why sometimes taking a break from even your favorite accounts is necessary for mental health.
The conversation takes powerful turns as they explore the pressure chronically ill people put on themselves to perform and push through. "Jesus took a break. Olympians take breaks. Surgeons take breaks. Why are you any different?" This permission to rest contradicts everything we've been taught about proving our worth despite illness.
Whether you're battling an autoimmune condition, supporting someone who is, or simply trying to understand invisible illness better, this episode offers a rare glimpse into the emotional landscape of chronic illness. The sisters share practical strategies for flares, meal prepping when energy is low, and the life-changing power of choosing your response to challenges.
Listen in and remember: behind every "I'm fine" often lies a complex struggle, but with proper support and self-compassion, we can navigate these challenges without sacrificing our authentic selves. Your spoonie sisters are here to remind you that you're enough - every day that ends in Y.
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Welcome back to my Spoonie Sisters. So today we are doing a little bit of a behind the scenes like giving you a real look at what it looks like behind the mask. Today Jen's in the hot seat. She didn't know it yet, but she just found out Jen's in the hot seat. We're all in the hot seat. We are being raw, we are being real, we are being vulnerable about what it looks like when we pull the mask back. Fine, right, because we say it how you doing, I'm fine. What it looks like behind that mask.
Speaker 1:On that we show up kind of polished, put together for people, for the sake of our sanity, to not look like how we feel. And so now we're going to talk about real time, real struggles, what we're navigating and how, how support matters, how support can change your viewpoint and mindset about the struggle, about the flare, about the stress point. And so with that buckle up, you're in for a hoot of a time. Probably some things that get beat, probably some not so nice language. If you are sensitive to language, understand that the emotion is raw and it is valid. Okay, it is not to offend or to put you off, but it is a real raw emotion and however you need to express, it is okay, you just got to get it out. Then, linnea, what has been going on? Who wants to start?
Speaker 2:You know, I've been flaring, as you girls know, because my medication stopped working and I've been on prednisone for a few weeks now a few weeks, three or four weeks now and I am in the rage and anger phase of my flare. I am very frustrated with my body. I am learning to give it grace, but it's been hard, it's been very hard and it's been tough and it's been eye-opening this time around for me on this flare because I have been paying attention to my body more. But in some ways it's kind of made the anger almost a little bit more this time because I have been doing all the work and coming into a flare after doing the work. I was very angry and that is something I have been working to give myself grace and to not be so angry at myself because it's not my fault, my body just was done with medication.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I'm over it, I'm really. Do you think your anger was because in our minds we say stuff like, but I'm doing everything right? Is it the element of control?
Speaker 2:Yep, For me it is. It's definitely a control thing for me I think for all of us it may be.
Speaker 1:For me it is. It's definitely a control thing for me because it was. I think for all of us it may be. For me it's a control thing, I'm like. But I had this, I had this under control. I did. I isolated just me, I was doing it. But we aren't solely doing it. We are doing it with aids of variations that help us be able to do a chunk of the legwork right. And I think that's the hardest thing for most people. It definitely was the hardest thing for me to understand. I wasn't doing everything right. I was doing everything right within my control, while the other factors were helping complement, or I was complementing the other factors right. It's rough. Your mindset takes a hit because we go so long in the what we call the clear. Like it's calm here. I haven't had any major upsets and I've been able to live a somewhat, dare I say it, normal life. So what have you been doing different? This flare? What have you noticed this flare?
Speaker 2:I have really most people don't know, but I'm working with Andy one-on-one and she's been coaching me through this and she's been. One of the biggest things Andy has taught me is reframing my mindset in the moment. So, with this flare, that is something that has been the most important thing for me to do. When I start going dark, hurtling whatever, is trying to reframe it if I can in the moment. I will be honest, on Sunday I could not reframe it. I just had one of those days I struggled with reframing it.
Speaker 2:I cried, I screamed in a pillow multiple times on Sunday and so that is something Andy had me do on my last session last week was scream into a pillow, and the first time I did it with her I was very. It was weird. It was a weird feeling to be screaming Somebody's watching me scream into a pillow, like it just felt odd. But I did it. But I did feel some relief like it, like it almost got some of that anger I was having holding in just out, and then it's like I was calmer. But on Sunday I did it even louder.
Speaker 2:I was home by myself. My dogs were giving me weird looks as I'm screaming in my pillow, you know and saying, okay, this is where you're going to start bleeping stuff. Um, I was screamed in the pillow saying this is fucking ridiculous and this isn't fucking fair. And when I got done screaming all my explicit words, you know I cried so hard because I realized in that moment it wasn't my fault. I was doing everything that I could possibly do to keep myself out of a flare. This flare came out of nowhere and it came strong and it's been rough, but I've learned so much about myself in this flare that I've not noticed in myself and other flares.
Speaker 1:Yeah so yeah.
Speaker 3:Jen, have you ever screamed in a pillow? No, but it sounds marvelous.
Speaker 1:I'm telling you it is phenomenal, it's amazing, like literally Lania looked at me like I was bonkers in her session.
Speaker 2:I was like, hey, you got a pillow by you.
Speaker 1:I said, I promise I'm not trying, I'm not trying to get you to do anything to harm you, but do you have a pillow next to you and I am going to ask you to put this pillow over your face? And while I see how that sounds and it sounds real awful you got a pillow to put over your face, cause that's how I asked her. Hey, you got a pillow close by, like one, small enough for you to put over your face and she looked at me like what? Because you're going to scream in it. The thing is, we wear this mask of strong and this is just my cross to bear and this is just what I'm going to have to deal with and nobody will actually understand. And there's more of us that go through this, that experience these emotions, that are like why the F is this happening to me? This is not F and fair and why can't I just be, dare I say it, normal or have some resemblance of what looks like a normal existence?
Speaker 1:People see the smiles like they see Jen. Jen's literally I love Jen literally a Disney princess. People see Jen and go. She's rheumatoid arthritis. They don't see I'm not having a good day right. Jen is beautiful and she has a great way of, even in the I don't feel good, of being able to show up and present herself in a way that still says hey guys, I'm Jen. Right, I'm friendly, look at my face. Here we go. Not everybody is like that. I don't have the most welcoming face when I don't feel good. Apparently, I don't have a welcoming face. Most of the time it's my thinking face, though I can't control that right. But when I don't feel good, I know I get snippy. I get very, very, very short with people. Everything that they say, my response looks like I'm annoyed, I'm listening. It just taken me longer to process and I'm genuinely not annoyed with you. I'm annoyed with my body. I'm not even mad at me. I'm literally mad at my body and I can't change it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so Jen what about you, jen, and you know what I feel like complete shit right now. And I'm over here smiling at you guys, and so I don't disagree because that is who I am. I don't ever intend to be a Disney princess.
Speaker 1:But you are.
Speaker 2:It's the eyes, man, it is.
Speaker 3:Or as you guys call meinkerbell. Yeah, my parents call me winnie. I mean, I just I am. I. I always am trying to put a positive spin on everything, and now my cat's creeping in here. Okay, anyway, I feel like complete crap and part of it, all of it, is my complete fault.
Speaker 3:Started off the day great, right. I started off my day with getting my clothes on and calling you guys and going for a walk. I needed it. I needed to do it for me. Things went sideways and here's why. Went to the doctor's office, went to my appointment, had a great discussion. I should have stopped and gotten something to eat as soon as I was done because it was lunchtime, but I was like, nope, I'm going to power through. I'm going to go to the nail salon. After the nail salon, which I was there like two hours, it's 2.15. I've passed lunchtime. I'm starting to get a headache. I'm starting to feel like crap. I went by Fred Meyer or Kroger or whatever people want to know it as at Squirshy store, bought some strawberries, bought a salad, ate the strawberries on the way home, ate part of the salad while I FaceTimed Linnea. But I went that chunk of time without eating or having any water and that's what I needed. And so now I have this like raging, pulsing headache in my head and I just want to.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I've been over here eating cheese because apparently the salad and the strawberries weren't enough.
Speaker 3:There's no protein in that sweet pea. I know Well the salad had chicken how much?
Speaker 1:Like three strips. Like, let's be realistic, it's a grocery store salad.
Speaker 3:Actually these ones are really good and it had like a good not like my whole hand, but a good amount of chicken. It put a good amount of chicken.
Speaker 2:She is angry.
Speaker 3:She's got the fist thrown at us. But all this to say, I somehow always find my smile. But not everybody can be that way, and so I always fear that people look at me getting on social media and smiling and putting my best foot forward and they think that that's realistically RA.
Speaker 1:Because it's not, I'm not even going to lie to you, and this will probably be the first time you ever heard me say this. I'm not even going to lie to you, and this will probably be the first time you ever heard me say this. There was a point where I was in a flare and I literally would avoid social media because if I saw that yet another one of your content creations where you were bubbly and cartwheeling, I was going to lose my shit. And so I was like I love her and I love this for her, but like, what are we doing right now? Because my body's not doing that. And no, I don't want to choose to move or shake or jig or do any of the things that she is currently doing. Right now, I don't want to. I don't want to toss a spoon, I don't want to run a marathon, I don't want to join a walkathon, I don't want to do any of those things because my body hates me. Transparency, guys.
Speaker 2:Transparency. I am not crazy about social media, right now.
Speaker 1:But then I'm also like I love this for her because she's having a low pain day right At the same time. Two things can coexist simultaneously I am angry and also super happy that my sister is having a low pain day and has the spoons to be able to do all these things and I'm, without watching you, vicariously living through you, because watching you would annoy me, because I'm raging Right. So I'm vicariously living through everybody else's energy phases when they have it and I don't, but not in a I hate you kind of way. I hate that I can't be doing the things and having the fun like you kind of way.
Speaker 3:And I want to say people, it's okay to take a break because I'm a lot. I'm a lot Okay, and I know that I talk to Lania about it all the time. I'm like I know I'm a lot, I can be a lot for people, but you're not a lot.
Speaker 2:You're not a lot for the right hate that phrase.
Speaker 3:But I hate that phrase, I know, I know. But here's the thing Sometimes you just got to take a break, a break from social media, a break from people, because something's going to trigger you, and that's okay. And if somebody like me, with my Disney princess eyes, is going to trigger you, take a break from me, take a break from social media. Whatever you need to do, I do it too. There's times where, like lately, where I scroll through my own feed and I'm like I'm hating myself because I don't want to show up. But it's okay that I don't want to show up, it's okay that I'm not posting as often as I used to.
Speaker 1:But why don't you want to show up? What was the catalyst that changed that? You were like you know what? I ain't got it in me today. I ain't got this shit. What was it?
Speaker 3:okay, I shared it on my social media today and I'm going to share it with both of you right now because I think I think you both have a feeling of where and why, but it's not actually the where and why I started putting on weight. That actually the where and why I started putting on weight. That's the where and why I started looking in the mirror and feeling less confident and feeling like crap and I noticed that I was getting poofy, inflamed, swollen edema. I mean you guys saw all the edema I went through. But I've been putting on weight. I put on 26 pounds since last year 26 freaking pounds, and most of it was since May.
Speaker 3:And so that's where my mind went sideways and I stopped wanting to even show up for me because I was looking in the mirror, going you look like shit. How can you make other people feel good and be your cheerful self when you don't even feel good about you? And so I shut down and I think a lot of people, especially you guys, think it's because of the other things that were going on in life with friendships and stuff. But that actually wasn't it. It was me looking in the mirror, going, oh my gosh, like I don't even want to look in the mirror and I finally had to admit it yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Your eyes changed. It had nothing to do with friendships. It had everything to do with the life in your eyes changed. Your eyes stopped matching your smile. They stopped matching. I did not once thought it was friendships. I could tell when things started to shift. I saw the twinkle start leaving your eyes and things starting to feel repetitious. I have to do this. I have to do this.
Speaker 1:And as you started, talking to us about it, how you kept presenting the things that you normally do in your day to day is I have to do this? You normally were presenting guys. I'm doing this thing, like in a way where I get to do this, and I'm super excited you started presenting things. I have to do this on this day. I have to do this, and it started to sound like everything was a chore. Yeah.
Speaker 2:I would agree. I noticed the same, but I think for us we talk to you a lot Like we talk several times a week text. Whatever we do, we do. Times a week, whatever we do, we do. But so we can see a change in you that maybe social media can't because we know you on a different level, but yeah, we can.
Speaker 3:But I kept my little secret. Yeah, I never once talked to you guys about what was going on in my head. I would talk to you guys about everything else. I would talk to you about the edema or the friendship problems or the home life struggles. We all have home life struggles with spouses, kids, whatever it is but I never once told you guys how much I was struggling. Just to look in the mirror.
Speaker 1:Well, you didn't actually have to say anything because women have tails right and your tail, your specific tail, was that every time you had to go shopping, you 1000% needed this look okay, you would spiral before you had to go get a blazer or have to go buy some pants or all of the things. I already knew what it was. I've been there, we've been there where we start avoiding mirrors, where we start asking other people a lot Does this look okay? Do you like this? Do you think this makes me look X, y, z kind of way? We've all been there.
Speaker 1:And as the twinkle in your eye was disappearing, you started asking more hey, what do you guys think about this? You were shopping more and you were what do you guys think about this? I don't know this one, this one, this one. Guys, if you're when you watch this because you don't actually know Jen, I need you to know that Jen has this style. It's called Coastal Grandma and what that actually really means is all of her shirts are a variation of the same shirt, with different styles and prints and different either tackies in different nudes and sometimes denim. It's so freaking cute how she does it like I can't pull up off the the button-up shirts. Like jen can rock the button-up shirts, the button-up crop, she can halfway tuck, do all the things and not look mom jeans with my mom jeans.
Speaker 1:If you looked at jen and on the socials and you're like I super love her, her outfit, I love how she puts it's called coastal grandma, y'all call coastal grandma. Okay, my particular style is pe teacher. Okay, I love hoodies. You know, I'm trying not to be offensive. Okay, right, so even know I what my style is my particular style is pe teacher right, if I can put on something that's comfy and I can put on some slouch socks, maybe some leg warmers, I'm good, I'm happy, it's like a hug.
Speaker 2:So I want to go buy slouch your socks now. I'm sorry. You told me earlier you might wear it and I'm like I haven't had sloucher socks since the niece.
Speaker 3:Look at that, you know, I finally got some last year, sorry, sorry, and I'm telling you I'm so glad I got them last year. You wear them with some Birkenstocks. It's so cute Okay.
Speaker 1:So so maybe some things that you may not know. Do y'all have a Black beauty? Well, you probably don't, Jen, no offense. Y'all got a Black beauty supply store around you In Phoenix Like a Black people, dominant Black people would dominantly shop there Like right.
Speaker 3:I assume we do. We have a hair salon.
Speaker 1:Right, okay, well, those are different. So you can't go into a Sally's, but you can't go into a Sally's but you can go into a. It needs to be a straight. You can go into a beauty supply store that is owned and operated by Asian Americans. This is the type of beauty supply store that you need to be in, where they would sell braid hair and hair weaves and those types you need to be in that type of beauty supply store. Why? Because you'll find the best lip glosses, slouch socks in every possible color, okay, for cheap, different designs, different thicknesses and not break the bank and also not even trying to be funny. You're most likely overpaying for some of your hair products by going to a Sally's and if you just went to a what is considered more, uh, inner city or, you know, more, melanated community, Phoenix we have several.
Speaker 1:I love that so peek in there, because you can find some k-beauty stuff in there. You can find some of the most amazing lip oils. You can find some K-beauty stuff in there. You can find some of the most amazing lip oils. You can find slouch socks and backpack purses and all kinds of things.
Speaker 2:Yeah, one-stop shop. I'm going to my rheumatologist in a few weeks.
Speaker 1:One-stop shop you should go. That's your homework. Go in there. Get emerged in my culture.
Speaker 3:Remind me to talk to you about what I'm seeing later. Just remind me.
Speaker 1:Okay, we can go into that right now. What are you saying? These are white girls. Okay, are we?
Speaker 3:talking you white girls. These are white girls with wannabe braids.
Speaker 1:Well, you know, that's the thing. Yeah, some people view it as cultural appropriation and some people are like, oh, I'm so flattered that the thing is. The history of the lock and the braid has been around forever. Who's to say who started it? Right? Do I think that sometimes we push the envelope when non-ethnic people are wearing more ethnic dominant hairstyles? Yeah, we are, and here's my reality.
Speaker 1:My reality is that all of these cute box braids and lock styles I could have them right, and I can go on a job interview and it'd be held against me and I not get a job. But Sarah or Jen can have white girl locks apply for the same job, not be told to change her hair or straighten her hair or straighten her hair or comb her locks out. It is so different for the black and brown community when it comes to hair standards that it is really offensive when the non-ethnic population is wearing the same hairstyles. That get us fired or not hired in general. Right, everybody doesn't have that viewpoint, everybody doesn't look at it that way. But our reality for a lot of people right, kyla's in clinicals. They're very strict about how she can do her hair. Right, nurse in clinicals has to be deemed professional. Some people don't think braided looks are professional Braided looks or braided looks with mixed hair colors. So highlight some people don't uh-huh.
Speaker 2:Wouldn't it be braided because she is a nurse? Wouldn't it be braided because she could put it up easier and keep it out of? Like right, but some people don't think that that is professional, but I can walk in and put a braid up and wrap it around and that's okay. I think that's your point. Yeah, no but, I'm saying like that's right.
Speaker 1:But that, but for you, because your hair texture is loose and flowy and you're supposed to be able to put it in a messy bun. But if we braided it and let us have some fun colors, like an undercut or, yeah, pink, blue color or whatever? It seems ratchet or inappropriate for the workspace, or you're trying to be in the club. But this is corporate America.
Speaker 2:It's everything except I love your hair, honestly you guys have such beautiful hair and can do such beautiful almost like art. The way some women braid their hair with designs. It's art, it's not just a hairstyle. And a majority of the.
Speaker 1:Black women that relax their hair were relaxing their hair to fit a corporate standard because their natural hair was not inside the box. And I need your headshot to look like Connie's. You see what I'm saying? I need to be able to sell you, for lack of better terms. I need to be able to sell you to the rest of these companies that may see you. And you have to look like us. And even if you go back into the beauty pageants when they're like, I was forced to straighten my hair. If you go to America's Next Top Model, I was forced to get a weave because they didn't want my natural hair out Like what it does to your mindset. To say sure, you're pretty enough to model, but your hair is not pretty enough to be seen on you while you model.
Speaker 3:And what's that? What that has to do to people's brains? I can only imagine and I'm sitting here going. Okay, it can't be cheap to do all that.
Speaker 1:It's not.
Speaker 3:Whenever I see women with that hair I'm, I'm like a you're gorgeous. Hours, hours, hours and all I could think of is that's got to be hundreds and hundreds of dollars. My husband would never allow me to do that. Granted, I look weird and it's not for me, but it'd be different.
Speaker 2:Wants to do it whatever, but yeah, I think it'd be different if you weren't white like your husband. Probably would be more right it would be normal it would be normal. It would be nothing for him or a normal s because probably their mother, their sister, in their life a lot, have always done it, so they probably just think it's natural.
Speaker 3:I would think well and I'm thinking that's got to be part of your budget. I didn't grow up that way. Like Jeremy's looking at me like you want to spend how much just to get your hair highlighted, but he would be singing a different tune. So, yeah and okay. So for if people ever see this on video, andy, depending on how you're sitting, every once in a while it looks like you have a panda bear sitting on top of your head because I do.
Speaker 1:He's climbing up a bamboo tree.
Speaker 3:It is a panda, okay because, depending on how you're sitting, sometimes he looks like he's literally like sitting on your head it is a panda.
Speaker 2:He's so cute on the back side too I love it right here.
Speaker 3:Okay, so I feel like we took a lot of rabbit trails, but they're good rabbit trails. I have to ask another question.
Speaker 1:Okay, yeah, Because recently Lenea has been meal prepping and it's been one of the things that has been helping her during her flare, when she doesn't have any hunger cues. She touched meat, y'all. Okay, she doesn't. She doesn't. I'll let her tell you. But she touched meat, guys. Okay, I did.
Speaker 2:It was bacon and chicken.
Speaker 3:I hate touching raw meat. I don't like to either, and that's why I'm glad my husband needs to do all the cooking.
Speaker 2:I think raw meat is so disgusting, so I'm proud of you and I threw it on the grill last night. Her meat is good, y'all it was. We nibbled on it the whole time. We were eating all the little chunks with creole on it, so good. But what was funny is my husband knew I was starting to wear down and I said no, I'll finish it. You go finish the hot tub. So while this has happening, after we get off the phone with I, get off the phone with you guys, we play a game. We're done cooking, we go inside, we take the dogs outside. Guess what he forgot to do?
Speaker 2:turn a gorilla to shut the water off on the hot tub. For For like 20 minutes my whole backyard was like Was there water everywhere In our back room. It's a cement floor so it's not like doing any damage, but it was like he's like so frustrated I'm like honey. It's kind of funny. We literally were cooking dinner.
Speaker 1:Jen just reached back and started randomly petting her cat.
Speaker 3:You guys were having a good time, wouldn't you say so?
Speaker 1:yes, petting her cat. You guys were having a good time. What'd you say?
Speaker 2:So yeah, just reach back and start a random petting her cat. So meal prepping it started off very hard for me, like really trying to figure out, because in the past I've always everybody's told me how to meal prep and then you know, they almost made it so complicated, made it so much work that it seemed overwhelming, and so I was making it too much work that it seemed overwhelming, and so I was making it too much work and I don't think out of the box very easy sometimes and beat a whole mountain.
Speaker 1:Sometimes beat a whole mountain.
Speaker 2:I do, but I have so much fun, Like I made refried beans or I made, yeah, refried beans in the Instapot. How smells like garlic. Did you do your enchiladas? I'm actually going to put those together tomorrow because I thought Bentley could help me. Yay, she's going to love getting her fingers dirty. I started to do it get everything out and then I was like Bentley would really like rolly enchiladas.
Speaker 1:Yeah well, ladies, do we feel a little bit lighter? We did a wee bit of a peaceful pause in that we got to process some emotions.
Speaker 3:y'all feel a little bit lighter, I do I do you feel like getting in off your shoulders has helped. I think being able to talk to you guys about it yesterday was game changer for me and and so getting together with you guys this morning and talking to you why I went for my walk and making my plan yeah, you know, high protein breakfast, not having a coffee and drinking it slowly all day long. I promise I'm not going to do it. I'm going to stop doing that. But having this plan and knowing, okay, this is what I'm going to do, and then meeting with my doctor and I'll be honest, I'll be honest with the world that's going to listen to us. My husband and I are going to start a weight loss journey and maybe you can follow along. I'm going to need help. So keep cheering me on Well yeah, I'd be a great person.
Speaker 2:I need to connect you with Susan because Susan has been doing what you've done for the last year and a half and she's done it right, like she's. She knows exactly all the protein. Like she was trying to help me open the box, get out of the box with just pause.
Speaker 3:Just pause for a second and you know I start.
Speaker 2:I was gonna say it just came out and no, let me know we'll be no okay, I'm back, I'm good all right.
Speaker 3:Well, I'm gonna tell you three to keep holding me accountable and to all the people listening hold me accountable, check in on me, make sure I'm alive and eating and drinking my water you know now, when andy asked me what I had, she's gonna ask you so you get to join the party of telling her what we ate for the day. Don't be surprised if the first thing I do is text you in the morning and say this is what I had for breakfast.
Speaker 1:I would love that Picture proof where it didn't happen. So bam same thing I did for you guys. I sent you pictures of my meals so that you could hold me virtually accountable that I ate, even if all I did was take three bites picture proof where it didn't happen. As often as you have your phone in your hand, put it on the stories picture proof where it didn't happen and you don't have to share it with the whole community.
Speaker 1:Share it with your support system though, because when you fall off, it's literally your support system. If you fall off, it's not the mass community that's going to be like oh no, so-and-so fell off, it's literally your support system that be like. This has changed, and if they're listening with all their senses, they pick up on the things that are changing. They may never actually force you to talk about it. That's up to you to want to do. They may wait for you to come to them and go. Hey well, I'm always going to be here ready with a solution.
Speaker 2:I'll just be here listening.
Speaker 1:That's fine, and if I don't have it, we're going to find it. We're going to find it and you're going to be happy, healthy, thriving, because you deserve that.
Speaker 3:Yes, you do. I want my sparkle back.
Speaker 1:I want your sparkle back too.
Speaker 3:We miss your sparkle. We miss your sparkle more than you realize. The cheeks don't even get as rosy anymore. Yeah.
Speaker 1:It's because I'm so self-conscious about smiling because now I have this, like I literally thought it was because you were pale and you weren't using the same amount of blush, because it's starting to get cooler and you get like you get transparent light, no offense. Like you get very, very, very light, and I just thought it was because it was cooler. This is why you didn't have any colors and color in your cheeks for real, no, okay.
Speaker 3:Hey, I'm going to take us on a whole side thing before we get off here. So not only did Andy get me started doing this Korean skincare that I love, Freaking love that stuff. Thank you too, but now I tried a new skincare line or not skincare, a new makeup line, new to me, anyway, korean. No, it's called Ilia. Between the Korean skincare and the Ilia you got a glow.
Speaker 3:I feel like I've had my makeup on all day. I don't have any mascara on. I did everything but mascara, but I don't have those weird lines the day you guys watched me and you were like I hate everything about my makeup.
Speaker 1:I don't like the way it's sitting on my skin. Is this a different brand?
Speaker 3:Yes, this is a different brand, so I feel like dewy and glowy and I love the shades this lady helped pick out for me. So I didn't expect it. But while I was in Eugene visiting my husband and I went to buy deodorant because I forgot to pack it. There was a makeup artist in Ulta that day and she was like can I do your makeup? Can I do like your whole face?
Speaker 1:You bought deodorant from Ulta.
Speaker 3:Yeah, there's a brand I love there. Okay, I'll have to send you a picture. It smells so good, anyway. So she washed my face, everything, like she did the whole every step thing thing, and I ended up buying every piece of makeup that she put on me because I loved it so much. I loved how it felt, I loved how it looked. Yeah, I didn't buy the skincare stuff, but I bought all the makeup and I just feel. I still feel. I still feel like I'm fat, but at least I feel like a prettier version of me, and so I'm having a little bit easier of a time smiling now that I feel like my makeup version of me, and so I'm having a little bit easier of a time smiling now that I feel like my makeup looks nice a little bit like yourself.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I feel a little bit more like the old me, I mean the me that started my my gracefully, jen account, that was all excited about things like makeup. Yeah, yeah, and maybe you need to go back there.
Speaker 2:Maybe you need to go back to that where why?
Speaker 3:you started. But I hardly leave my house anymore, anymore. So now it's like why do makeup, why do hair? So that because you're going to leave your house, because you're going to leave your house now.
Speaker 1:Now you have a reason to do makeup because you're going to leave your house and do something other than going to the post office to mail off packages, or office to mail off packages, or oh, I had to stop by. But then while I was doing that, I happened by chance squeezed in some time for me to do some type of forced and quickly done NASCAR self-care.
Speaker 2:I know, I told her.
Speaker 1:I was proud of her for getting her nails done today, yeah.
Speaker 3:To have that time. I think you are right. I am known to. When I do take time for me or to do something other than working on my computer or doing for others, it is like a NASCAR race. I'm like, okay, I'm going to go shopping and I'm going to hurry and find this thing.
Speaker 1:Like literally, when I had you take over the stories and tell me what you did, when I had you go date yourself, do you know how quickly you were in like three stores. You had zoomed through those stores, took pictures. They were in the stories. You were then in home goods, then you were in marshals or whatever, but you were in those stores so quick, look what I found, look what I found, look what I found. And I'm like, wait a minute, weren't you just over here, enjoy it, enjoy it, touch all the things and buy nothing. Oh, that's hard.
Speaker 2:That one's exactly but there's a store, touch all the things and buy nothing.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's hard, that one's hard. But there's a job in the store, touch all the things, buy nothing.
Speaker 3:Area I was in. It's a shopping center near the airport and it literally has those stores all in a row.
Speaker 1:Right, walk slower, walk slower. You pushed that cart through or just walked your legs through with all of these stores Like a NASCAR pit stop. Zoom, zoom, zoom. Tasmanian devil style they throw you a. Gatorade as you went by seriously when you said NASCAR.
Speaker 2:That's what I'm thinking there, you know, instead of a gas but, seriously.
Speaker 3:But you know, the funny thing is, even though it was homework you were giving me to do for myself, when you were like let me live, live vicariously through you, as soon as you said that, I took it on upon myself that I needed to take you through a day and I needed to like, hurry up and do it, and that's not what you asked me to do.
Speaker 1:You know what I noticed. I know you do too much. I know that Jen don't know how to sit. Still, that is what I learned about you living vicariously through you. Just because you got the time don't mean you got to fill the time. You see what I'm saying. You got we all got 24 hours in a day. That don't mean we got to fill every minute of 24 hours. Just because you got the time don't mean you got to use or fill it.
Speaker 3:It's okay to just be in the time that you have and I think this is a good time to remind listeners the same thing don't yeah, don't pull it.
Speaker 1:don Don't pull it Sit your ass down somewhere, respectfully that is hard, Jen, I'm telling you it was the hardest thing I've done.
Speaker 2:I'm going to try, but I think it's been one of the best things I've done, because I'm now able to do things in the evening that I wasn't doing before.
Speaker 1:Your nervous system will thank you.
Speaker 2:My gosh, your nervous system Thank you Kind of wonder if why I was doing better before my medicine stopped is because I was starting to take the time to rest, versus pushing through for six days and then having crashing for a whole day being miserable and then it takes me two or three days to get going again and then I'm back another week of I was doing this cycle and taking that two hour break a day where I shut my phone off from everybody has helped.
Speaker 3:And don't forget, you were also getting excited for people coming to visit or getting to spend time with your granddaughter.
Speaker 1:Can we talk about that? Because so we have jobs right, we have full-time jobs right, or full-time things that keep us busy, right, but I don't think that anybody we ever discussed enough that, literally, the emotion of having to host another human being when you don't feel well literally takes all of your spoon by the time you're done. It's not that you don't love that person, love visiting with you, love that you wanted to come hang out, but, my goodness, am I depleted? Not because you did anything, but because my body was like this was a lot of peopling and you really just needed to rest. But we kind of force ourselves to interact or feel guilty for not interacting because, oh, my gosh, I'm missing quality.
Speaker 1:So-and-so came to see me. If I can't, I can't. That's where I am in my life. If I can't, I can't, and the people that know me know it's no ill will and they'll be like I'll come to you or I understand, but if I can't, I can't. If my body says no, it says no Because it's one time I played chicken with Jesus and I did not sit my ass down and he sat me down. I don't play chicken with Jesus, no more. My body is tired, as tired. If I can't do it, I can't do it. If it's a not now, it's a not now. I want to live to see the opportunity to try it again. I'm not in a rush, but I would love to live to see the opportunity to try it again.
Speaker 3:Well, you have so many more years ahead. For you I mean your daughter's not even married yet.
Speaker 1:No, I mean, this is just for everybody in general, I know Rush to do it.
Speaker 3:But I mean that's something to think about is people need to realize you've got this whole thing ahead and if you're not listening to what Andy says, you're going to fall flat.
Speaker 1:Yeah, fall flat or flat line. One of the two, okay. Eventually we end up flat. Flat in emotion, flat in energy. We're lethargic, we start to turtle. Regardless, you're going to end up flat. If you can't, you can't.
Speaker 1:If the answer is no, it's no. If it's no, not right now, it's no right now. Cool, what is your body trying to tell you? Because the reason why it's no, it's very valid. When was the last time you sat down? If your answer is no now, but it's a rageful no, it means that your body sent you warning signs that you needed to sit down earlier. And now you're just snippy and now you're rage.
Speaker 1:Knowing you see what I'm saying? Everyone's in a hurry to be perfect and if you just say I am doing the best that I can in this 24 hours, it's not perfect, it's never going to be that. But if you promise you that you're going to do the best you can for you in this 24 hours and then you break that down, you can break that into small, measurable goals. I did the best I could this hour. This last hour was rough. I did the best I could for me in this last 60 minutes.
Speaker 1:How you talk to you matters. How you talk to you matters. You hear you the most all day long, and if you are pumping you full of trash, it makes it really really, really easy for the outside voice to make you believe something to be true. That's not your truth, make you believe that you should push. Your body is clearly telling you something.
Speaker 1:But just because Sarah or Megan or whoever on the whatever shows up and it appears that they're showing up every single day and they're never in pain, that's actually not the case. Maybe they're just really better at planning on the back end and they pre-schedule all this stuff. We assume that they're showing up every day and not that they don't have a solid process to continue to show up, even on the days that they're not feeling good. People assume that every day we're showing up and it's a lie, not all the time. Sometimes I got some stuff to say. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes the stuff I post is something I said previously, but I had that feeling in me again and now you're going to see it. And sometimes I can show up on that day in my stories on the whatever and be like hey guys, this is me. All of those faces are valid. They're very real. It's when we start hiding behind the show up, where we don't start navigating the shit that's in here, that we start hiding behind that mask of fine, and fine becomes your destination.
Speaker 3:You deserve better than fine I can't do anything but nod because it's true, yeah, even when we think we are doing all the right, you know, I kept thinking, batching the content, scheduling it out, planning ahead that I I thought that that was helping me and it at the time. But it's okay to take a break and it's okay to say it's not for me right now and it wasn't for me right now, but I kept pushing through and so that's why people see me less, because, as much as I love everyone, I don't owe you me, jesus took a break.
Speaker 1:I'm just saying and even if you're a non-believer, if you're a non-believer, if you're a believer, jesus took a break. Okay, on the seventh day he rested, whatever the seventh day is for you, okay, jesus took a break. Olympians take a break. Professional athletes take a break. Surgeons take a break. Why are you any different? We can take breaks. We're not holding brains or nerves or neurons. Why can't we take breaks? What is so important? Life-threatening? That means that we just have to be on the go-go, go-go-go, nothing, because we tell ourselves that we have to overcompensate for our illness.
Speaker 2:to prove that we can do it, I think for me, if you authentically lived in the great moments of your illness.
Speaker 1:You don't have to prove shit to anybody because your existence already shows it. I don't have to prove anything to anybody. Andy is Andy. This is me. This probably would be the first time a lot of people heard me use as much curse words. Whatever, this is me.
Speaker 1:Do I care if people like me? I'm sorry that you don't like me. I'm sorry for you that you don't like me. I'm not sorry for me that you don't like me. I like me. I know that my heart and my actions always match. I know that at the base of me I come in peace and calm and to help.
Speaker 1:So if somebody on the outside doesn't like Andy, you are not about to change my view on me, because I spent enough time hating me and I worked really damn hard to get to the point where I love every bit of Andy. So there's nothing that anybody can say. You can't bring up my past and it be a thing and make me not love me. I made it through that dark on the other side to talk about it. There's nothing in my past that you can bring up and I'm ashamed of. It is the reason why I'm here and I can tell you that you can get through things. You can be like, oh, she seems so fake. Nope, the people that know me know this is me.
Speaker 1:I am calm. I am going to tell you how I feel about it and I really do care how you receive it. It's never harsh, it's never judgy. Who am I to tell you how to live your journey? I'm just here to be a support. That's what friends do. We're here to be a support, not to tell you how to live, and even as a professional, I don't ever interject and tell you how to live. But I will tell you if I feel like there's a better course of action and you are free to do with that whatever you will, because just because it worked for me does not mean it'll work for you, but I can help you find things that will work for you. I tell people that all the time.
Speaker 1:This is me Raw, real, sometimes. Not Love Jesus. I am raw, I am real. I have a great relationship with a higher power and sometimes I cuss a lot, but I will never intentionally do things to hurt you or stifle your growth. You deserve peace. You deserve calm. You deserve the exact emotion that I feel on a regular basis and I had to fight for it. I just don't want you to have to fight as long. God put me here so that people don't have to fight as long have to fight as long. God put me here so that people don't have to fight as long. He brought me back for that and I really believe that.
Speaker 2:I think that's why God put her in our way, like in our Ah Jen. I really believe Andy was meant to be in our world, in our life.
Speaker 3:And you know we're gonna have to fight hard. We're still gonna have to fight. She can just provide the tools.
Speaker 1:She can just provide the tools. She can just provide the tools. It's a choice. I wake up every day and choose, I choose. I can be really bitter, I can let them every moment of the day you are choosing. Something went wrong. I can choose to let this put me in a pissy mood for the rest of the day, or I can acknowledge in this moment this shit sucked. Okay, cool, it sucked. It doesn't have to suck the rest of my day, though. We choose to sit in that, and so I make it an active and very intentional choice.
Speaker 1:Is this something? You're going to hear me say it a lot. Is this going to matter five minutes from now? Is it going to matter five months from now? Five years from now? Is this going to be the thing that changed my life because I was so pissed off about it right now? No, if it's, if it's not some shit that's going to make me spiral, five years from now, you can really let it go. Life continued to move. You could have been on to the next thing. You were trying to hold on to something that you can't control. Life just happened. Ok, because it's not perfect, it was a test. How did you? Did you spiral or did you go? Man, this sucks. Ok, let me try something different. Let me try it at a different angle. It wasn't. The road is not supposed to be easy. It was never said that it was going to be easy, but it was in fact said that we were going to get opportunities for growth. What we do on that path is up to our action, but the opportunity will always be there.
Speaker 2:I think the five5 has helped me a lot with my anxiety. It's been a big anxiety tool for me is the 555. It's helped, so use it.
Speaker 3:Thank you for being you. Thank you for being you. Wow, can you believe? We've talked for almost an hour.
Speaker 2:No, we could probably split this into two.
Speaker 1:We should, and we're going to come back and hopefully bring in some more guests and and what does life really look like? And hopefully in that in part two, we can exchange tips with. Hey, I tried this, you would have. Please listen to part one. Tell us what you want us to talk about. What are you struggling with? Maybe we can help. Maybe we've experienced it too. But we thank you for spending the time to just vent with your sisters, okay, because sometimes we're out of spoons and out of the F words and sometimes all we can do is scream in a pillow. And in the moments we can't scream, we can talk, and that's what we're doing now, okay. So with that, you deserve everything that's for you and what's for you won't pass. You. Take a deep breath, hug you a little harder today and know that you're every day, always enough, any day that ends in Y, even on the storm, even in the flare, even when you feel like shit. Don't forget your spoons, guys.
