EXPOSED: You Can’t Heal When You Hide

*TRIGGER WARNING* violence, sexual abuse, and suicide

Serena's journey is one of extraordinary resilience and transformation. As our guest, she opens up about surviving a traumatic childhood filled with unimaginable challenges, including abuse and life in witness protection. Her unwavering determination to reconnect with her mother amidst adversity is a powerful testament to the strength of familial bonds. Facing the trials of homelessness and addiction, Serena's story sheds light on the critical impact of early trauma and the path to healing through storytelling.

Our conversation moves into the delicate process of healing, highlighting how Serena navigated the shadows of depression and anxiety that once loomed over her life. Drawing from her own experiences, she shares how unhealthy coping mechanisms can take root from deep-seated pain and the importance of embracing the mind-body-spirit connection for true recovery. Serena passionately discusses the liberating power of forgiveness and the contagious nature of positivity, urging listeners to create nurturing environments for themselves and their loved ones.

We also explore the intricate dynamics of betrayal, transparency, and self-preservation. Serena recounts the courage it took to leave toxic relationships marked by manipulation and abuse, emphasizing the importance of self-care and community support. Her journey underscores the necessity of honest communication within families and the critical decision to prioritize one's well-being. By sharing her insights, Serena provides invaluable encouragement to those walking their own paths to healing, inspiring listeners to seek strength from their communities and embrace vulnerability as a catalyst for personal growth.

Author Website: https://serenamastin.com/

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Chapters

• 0:00 Surviving Trauma
• 16:20 Journey to Healing and Wellness
• 31:58 A Journey Through Betrayal and Healing
• 36:44 Learning From Trauma and Transparency
• 41:57 Leaving to Protect Yourself
• 53:12 Embracing Community for Healing

Transcript

Jen: 0:08

Welcome back to another episode of my Spoonie Sisters. Today we have the honor of speaking with Serena, whose journey is a testament to resilience and the power of finding purpose. Serena has faced unimaginable adversity, enduring abuse, assault, homelessness, addiction and much more. Despite these challenges, she has transformed her pain into strength, becoming a source of inspiration for countless others. As an artist, an adventurer and a mother to two incredible kids, serena channels her life experiences into raw storytelling, including her book. The name of this book is Exposed. You Can't Heal when you Hide. Today, we'll dive into her story, focusing on how she has navigated depression and anxiety, through life's darkest moments and emerged stronger.

Serena: 1:00

Let's welcome Serena, hello thank you for having me. I am honored to be here.

Jen: 1:06

Serena, could you start by sharing about your upbringing and how those early experiences shaped the person you are today?

Serena: 1:14

I do want to warn those that are sensitive listeners that my story is definitely extreme, so for sensitive listeners, just beware. My biological father was the leader of a satanic cult and he sexually abused my sister and I, taking my virginity before the age of five, and we were locked in a trailer and monitored by the cult wherever we went, whatever we did, my mom couldn't get us out, and when she did get us out, she had to earn her rights back as a parent. He was then incarcerated and I was in witness protection and foster homes, so that is where my life started.

Jen: 1:58

It was interesting I was listening to the audio book this morning and that first family that you went to stay with. Do you mind talking about that a little bit?

Serena: 2:10

Was it the family? That was a whole different culture, because I have so many families.

Jen: 2:15

Yes, because that one. They wanted to force you to eat your vegetables. I remember that one sticking out to me.

Serena: 2:20

So the interesting part about being in foster care and also witness protection, is the moment somebody finds out where you are, they move you in the middle of the night immediately. If you could imagine a five-year-old little girl not understanding that being taken out of my home was for my protection, because the trauma that I had experienced was all I knew. So then, putting me into these new environments like, for instance, forcing me to eat my vegetables, which I hadn't had to do before, I mean, and in one scenario I ran away when I was six years old. So there's so many but the foster home where I ran away, they would lock us in the room for the majority of the day. We were able to come out for meals and then we had one hour of playtime in a completely dirt backyard. If, in fact, we didn't eat the meal that was provided, then we went straight back to our rooms.

Serena: 3:20

I remember the night that they forgot to latch the door, because it was a sliding door, almost like an accordion door. They latched it every night and I could hear the latch. In this particular night I didn't hear the latch, and so that was my first attempt to escape. I did. I snuck out at six years old. I mean, I didn't get very far, but it tells you, the mentality that I had, even as a little girl, is that I was determined to find a way, find my own path, even at this age.

Jen: 3:55

It goes to show that, no matter what you've endured, you want to go back to what you know. You talk about it multiple times throughout the book, just wanting to get back to your mom.

Serena: 4:05

Yes, so there was certain points in my story that really illustrate the bond that you have with the family member, whether it be your mom or anything. It just cannot be broken, no matter how damaged the past may be. I was determined to find her and I knew in my heart that she did whatever she could to protect us, but her life was also at stake. So in that scenario, my sister while she was being molested, she thought that she was protecting me While I was being molested by my father, I thought I was protecting my mom because he would say that he was going to kill her if I didn't do what he asked. So there was this determination to find my mom to make sure I could protect her.

Serena: 4:54

In a little five-year-old mindset, you really just have a focus, an end goal and you will do whatever it takes to get to that place. And the unfortunate thing is that through the journey of foster homes and living in an environment with family that was brutally unhealthy for a child, it broke me down in so many ways that when I finally was reunited with my mom, I had just become a different version of myself. It was five years later. I was 10 years old, I was going into adolescence, but from a little girl's perspective to then, five years later, I felt like I had endured things that most people don't endure their entire life. I pushed even the people that loved me away, and that's when I left and lived on the streets when I was 15.

Jen: 5:50

That five year difference away from your mother. How did that affect your relationship with her once you were back together?

Serena: 5:56

You know it's an interesting thing Something I don't talk about often, but it's something that's really special, that I never really understood until I got older is I still had this connection with my mom that if I really just sat in one place and thought about something that I wanted to tell her, the next time I spoke with her on the phone she would actually ask me is this what you were thinking?

Serena: 6:22

For some reason this came to mind or this came to my heart, and she would be spot on. So there was almost like an unspoken connection, even in the times that we couldn't see each other. When I talk about cruel and unusual punishment when I lived with family, that was also just as bad as being tossed around in foster care because I was just unruly. They didn't know what to do with me and I had so much trauma that, instead of identifying ways to support me in a healthy way, it got down to humiliation and a lot of really awful things that they did. That just kind of compounded everything and that just made my desire to be with my mom even stronger. I just never lost that connection with her and still today she's my best friend. That's beautiful.

Jen: 7:14

Along with what you're saying. I think there's not a lot that is discussed or prepared for families that are taking a child in that has been through so much. There are a lot of families that, whether they're related or there's a person that has a heart for children, they are not prepared. They might have their own children in the home and then they have this different dynamic and this other child coming in does not react or act like the other children and that's got to be so difficult for everyone in the house 100 percent.

Serena: 7:47

Some of the behaviors that I struggled with because of the impact of the abuse was I acted out in sexual race in environments where you're supposed to be casual. I thought that's what it meant to gain attention. And this is as a child. I didn't know any better. I didn't know that wasn't the way. I struggled with hyperactive ADHD.

Serena: 8:13

I struggled with disassociation, where I could literally be sitting in front of a black TV screen and just adamantly involved in what was on the screen, which was my own imagination, because I had to completely distance myself from reality in order to cope with what had happened to me. That's how your mind protects you. I did block out a lot of the memories as a child that later came back and then were crystal clear. But you're right, without having the tools or understanding the diagnosis, or understanding what that child had faced, you wouldn't know how to interact with that child or how to guide them. And I think that was humiliating for me as a child because in many different ways, the message that was given to me is no one wants you. So that is not because they didn't truly want me, but because they didn't have the tools to care for me.

Jen: 9:16

And that's huge, that's really huge. This is my little plug to tell people look into things, get the help that you need. If you want to take a child in, make sure that you're equipped, because that child really desperately needs you.

Serena: 9:29

A hundred percent, and it's not easy. I could tell you right now that I would have a really hard time fostering a child, partially because we still have unresolved issues as adults that we haven't dealt with. And when we're in an elevated situation with a child, if we don't know how to heal ourselves, then we cannot heal a child or even facilitate that process.

Jen: 9:53

That's a really good point. Do you feel like there was a specific turning point where you felt hope or began to see a path forward?

Serena: 10:01

You know, it's funny because, no, there was not one turning point. It was every day that I had hope, because I really believed in my heart that I was made for a bigger purpose, and that was what drove me to continue fighting, even when I didn't have any fight left Understanding as growing into an adolescent and a teenager and making bad choices. It continues to knock you down. Living on the streets, you're in environments that are unsafe. I struggled with addiction. I struggled with bulimia. When I say lived on the streets, I was in abandoned houses. I was sleeping on a park bench across from the school. When the gate would open in the morning, I would sneak in to the locker room and shower and pretend that I was just a normal kid.

Serena: 10:49

These choices that I made, based on the beginning of everything, continued to compound some of the pain and struggles that I faced, but it was a daily mindset that I truly believed that everything that happened to me, there was something that I was going to do differently and I was going to change the world. You could say that I was delusional, but that mindset is what gave me hope. In a time where there wasn't a turning point, where everything seemed hopeless, the one thing that inspired me was I started choosing individuals that I wanted to become, that I wanted to be like, and surrounding myself with those people and really investing in my own healing and learning how to heal. That's when the big shift happened, where I can finally let go of the choices and the cycle and the pattern that I continued to create and draw a new path forward. But I wouldn't say there was one moment that sounds about right.

Jen: 11:53

I feel like, no matter what it is in our lives, unless it's something huge, it's a lot of little moments that help change us and grow us into who we are.

Ali: 12:25

Yes, yes, I read that you have children. How do you deal with your children knowing your story? How do you approach your children and let them know about your trauma?

Serena: 12:36

That's a great question. So, as you know, the subtitle of my book is you Can't Heal when you Hide, and I hid for many years. One thing I didn't hide is my story, my early years. A lot of times when I shared parts of my story with my kids as they were growing up, it was to illustrate why I was not allowing them to do certain things right. So this is what happened to me and this is why I would be scared to allow you to do this right. What's funny is, my daughter was 16. My son was 21 when I published the book.

Serena: 13:14

One of the editors of the book is my son's male fiance, who at the time, was also 21. She knew my story and read it. Of course, as she was editing, she said he's too sensitive, he can't read this much detail. He knows the overview of the story, but I mean he's 23 now and he's still too sensitive to read it. My daughter, on the other hand, snuck the book At 16 years old.

Serena: 13:41

I found out through a text message that said I got something on your book and I just want you to know that it's not messed up. I said I'm sorry what? And she said well, I just finished reading it I was like I'm sorry one more time. I probably would have guided her to not read it until she got older, but she is more strong minded and less of a sensitive like she doesn't internalize, whereas my son does. And so not only did I share pieces of my story, because they were also a part of the second half of my story, one of the things that my daughter had to say was I don't think you wrote about me enough, so next book we need a lot more commentary. You know, focused on me.

Ali: 14:29

I was like okay, note taken Because it sounds like my children my son is the sensitive one and my daughter would have done the exact same thing. She is strong-willed, 100% would have stolen it too.

Andi: 14:40

I would have taken it.

Jen: 14:41

Yep, I would have taken it and I imagine my daughter would have wanted to, but she is such a sensitive I would probably cry through the whole thing. I can imagine my daughter would too. Like you, I waited until what I felt was an appropriate age to share some of the things that I've been through. I think that's good for them, because they also can learn that the world is more scary than we think. We cannot trust everyone everywhere all the time.

Serena: 15:09

Well, and my daughter is very strong-minded and so she just kind of was born not trusting anyone. I'm the opposite, obviously, if you start reading my story, I think the beauty, though, in sharing your experiences with your kids as long as you position them to the age in which you're sharing it's not that you modify your story, but you give them the parts that they need to understand to learn the lesson. Then they start to see you as human, and I think that's a big part of parenting. Hopefully that answered your question Absolutely.

Andi: 15:42

So with the last thing that you said just literally melted my heart. It shows that you're human to break it down in a way that goes you need to take this lesson from it, resonate it with me. They call it gentle parenting. Now it is parenting from a place of healing instead of a place of do as I say, not as I do, but from a place of healing and understanding. I want to break this cycle. It can't just be because I said so. It is the place from parenting so that you can understand the why, not just because. And so that touched me. Thank you so much, beth Warren.

Jen: 16:19

Thank you. Talking about depression and anxiety, and that often accompanies experiences of trauma. How did you navigate your mental health while going through many difficult things?

Serena: 16:30

It always starts with coping in unhealthy ways. That is why I started really struggling with an eating disorder. I talk about it in my book that there had been times where I would make myself vomit up to 15 times a day. I also struggled with cutting myself because I had become so numb to everything around me that I just wanted to feel something. A lot of this started to occur when I was about 12 years old. The humiliation from my childhood definitely put me in a position to where I felt that I needed to seek attention or seek my own value by pursuing unhealthy relationships. The depression really started at a very young age. They had given me all kinds of medication to try, and at a young age your body's still changing.

Serena: 17:25

It took a long time for me to recognize that it's my language that will facilitate my healing. That will facilitate my healing. It's my mind and my body and my spirit. I started to learn the process of overcoming certain aspects.

Serena: 17:43

For instance, there's a book called Life with Ed, and Ed is E-D stands for eating disorder and so that was like my little first baby step in the process of healing and getting out of the depression, because the more that we torture ourselves, the more we struggle with that darkness. And so this darkness didn't just weave into my life. In certain times, it was something that I realized was a big heavy weight that not until I would say, gosh, until I was 39, was I truly able to overcome it, understanding the different components that caused those dark moments, I have to say I kept facing big like big, massive traumatic events throughout my life that I kept falling backwards into that there is no longer a victim and a villain, that within yourself you either are the victim or the victor, and so, instead of villainizing everyone that's hurt you, you have to let that go so that you can move past it. Otherwise you continue that cycle of depression.

Jen: 19:13

It's powerful. That's really powerful. I think. What comes to mind for me is healing is not a straight line. There's not a roadmap that works for every single person. We are individualized and some of our traumas are different and how we deal with them and how we face them or don't deal with them is different. But I love hearing how you've brought your life to where it is today. Have these beautiful children that love and support you, I love it.

Serena: 20:06

I am such a proud mama because, believe me, there was so many times where I thought I messed them up. I screwed them up. That's it, it's over.

Jen: 20:14

Every mother out there feels that. I think we feel it to our core. There is no perfect mother out there.

Andi: 20:26

We don't have all the answers. The thing is right now, the future viewers, listeners, they don't get to see you right now and there's this glow, there's this glow of teeth that is surrounding you right now and it's like contagious. It just makes you want to smile. You don't look like what you've been through, right, and everything about that is so empowering. You don't look like what you've been and it makes my heart explode. I tell people all the time kindness is free, because you don't know what the person next to you is carrying and it could be something really heavy. You don't know what they just offloaded, what they just let go of, and it could have been something heavy. Yeah, it is just this aura. Y'all, y'all don't know, you can't see it, you're not experiencing it, the smile is contagious.

Serena: 21:10

It is contagious.

Jen: 21:10

I draw you, just wait, but I'm also looking at you going. You're probably about my age. What's your secret? I promise, you.

Serena: 21:15

So I took a photo of myself a few weeks prior to making a big decision and we'll talk about that in a minute. You can see in my skin and my body I had excessive inflammation. I was constantly going to the doctors. I didn't understand what was wrong with me. I had horrible bags, dark circles under my eyes. My skin was Two weeks after I left that scenario. I was glowing. It was the weirdest thing, and what I learned is that when you hold on to feelings and emotions that really damage your spirit, it shows and it takes a lot to let go, but once you do, you start to feel weightless, and that weightlessness and that mindset give you a whole new look, a whole new meaning and the glow that you guys see here. I didn't always have that glow, so thank you, it means a lot to me.

Jen: 22:13

You are absolutely shining. Can we go back to the fact that you are a badass? I mean probably say that a couple of times. I'm sure Allie's going to say it too. Were there specific moments when anxiety or depression felt overwhelming, and what strategies helped you manage your feelings?

Serena: 22:32

There are many, many moments I wrote about in my book. That a very detailed description of the rape that happened. But I was raped twice by two different men. One was a 19-year-old I was 16, and the other was a 40-year-old man. So when we talk about the deepest dark depression that you could have and the shame and all of that, I felt it in so many ways. What really helped me in those moments and I know this sounds like so cliche is forgiveness. Now, to be clear, forgiveness does not mean tolerance. Okay, so one more time forgiveness does not mean tolerance. Okay, so one more time, forgiveness does not mean tolerance.

Serena: 23:12

Forgiveness is for you because it allows you to let go of the resentment.

Serena: 23:18

It allows you to let go of those feelings of anger and hate towards the other person, and it doesn't mean that you have any sort of relationship with the other person who hurt you. All it means is that it allows you to be set free from carrying the weight of that anger, and it's just going to lead to more depression. The more anger we hold in, the more resentment, the more bitterness it just literally compiles inside of us. And I learned at a very young age I forgave my father for what he did. I forgave the men who hurt me for what they did, Not because they deserved it, but because I deserved it. I did not deserve to feel those angry, bitter, resentful feelings and I wanted to find a way to just get rid of them. And that was the way that I thought at the time and it just was a beautiful way to start my healing process, and it doesn't mean that just because you forgive, that you're not going to still have to do the work through the feelings.

Jen: 24:23

It doesn't mean there's not going to be the flashbacks. It's serious. That's something that stays with you for the rest of your life. But there is something to be said for the forgiveness I like that you shared.

Serena: 24:35

It's just the tipping point, the next step. Really it's tough because healing is so many layers and it really is a lot of work. People are like I don't have time for healing because it's easier just to forget about it and shove it down there. It's not going to bother me. It's the triggers, it's being self-aware, it's understanding when those triggers happen that you need to manage your response, because it's a trigger and it's literally igniting a past experience that you had. So when you're in a relationship and something happens with this new person that triggers that emotional response, you have to recognize that that is because of an experience you had in the past, instead of lashing out at the person that you care about. So there's so many layers.

Serena: 25:24

My first level started with forgiveness. The second level started with self-awareness, which was really challenging, and you had to really understand that, not just how you are internally aware, socially, how you react and respond in social situations, how you react and respond in the situation that triggers you. So in order to overcome some of the triggers that I faced, I created a little statement that you create new experiences in old, familiar places. The reason I say that is because you have to face it and you have to face it again, and you have to face it again until you've created a new memory Not the person, but the situation, whatever's triggering it.

Jen: 26:10

I see Andy jotting that down. It's again another powerful nugget. Now, how do art, hiking and fitness play a role in your healing and your mental well-being? Today, A lot of the parts of it.

Serena: 26:24

Fitness is really wellness, not just for your body, it's for your mind, and a lot of people think, fitness, I don't have time for the gym, I just for your body, it's for your mind, and a lot of people think, fitness, I don't have time for the gym, I don't need that. But it really is completely for your body, not to be skinny. That's not the intention. It's to be healthy and so working out and getting your blood pressure up and you know it's all of the scientific components to it that help with mental clarity and that is why fitness is a huge passion of mine, Not necessarily because of going to the gym, it's yoga, it's meditation, it's so many other things. It's riding a bike. I literally got a bike for Christmas, you guys, and I'm like 44.

Jen: 27:07

I'm here for it. My husband got me one last year too, and it's one of those assistive ones, so I can have the help to get up a hill if I need to. Yeah.

Serena: 27:17

So I could just like switch gears, go down to gear one, I can go up the hill. So it really is about your mind and your body, keeping it both healthy. The hiking is that we need to be grounded. One of the biggest things that I will do is I will go barefoot Once I get to a certain point. I'll go barefoot and I'll get grounded, because being grounded is also a part of healing. Art, I have to say it's not art in the way that you have to be perfect. I love pouring, so paint pouring is a different medium. You mix paints in a specific medium and then you pour it onto the canvas and you hold the canvas and you teeter it back and forth and it creates this beautiful art. That in itself is healing, because you're creating something. You're doing something separate from your day-to-day life that gives you, like this, joy that you typically wouldn't have. That joy is also a big part of healing is reminding yourself that joy is found in these little moments. Those are my three big ones.

Jen: 28:23

I love that. They're all wonderful relaxing things that just give you awareness.

Linnea: 28:29

Joy is my jam powerful relaxing things that just give you awareness. Enjoy your time. Hi Serena, first of all, thank you so much for sharing your story and being with us and everybody listening. Please run, don't walk to get her book. But thank you again. You are a badass. I know Jenny was like Allie's going to say it. I'm very aggressive. You are a badass, amazing woman. Mama, excuse me, just take a moment to acknowledge that.

Linnea: 28:51

Okay, my question is so I have a family member who went through severe trauma as a child. He's 23 now and he just opened up to us recently, like over the holidays. He is going through it, but he's not ready for therapy, is what he tells us. He's not ready to kind of fight these demons that he has. He also cannot remember. I think he disassociated and his brain blocked him. He cannot remember some of his past, and so we're trying to help him. He asked us if we could like maybe help him remember some of his upbringing, some of the good things. How can we, as family members, help people like him and people like you in these situations? How can we be supportive to those listening to, our family members or friends that are going through this, without us being overbearing and without us pushing you a little too hard. If that question makes any sense, of course he took the first step right, so that's good.

Serena: 29:44

He started sharing. But that's also the biggest fear, because when you start sharing, it's how people receive you that create your courage or drive you back into a place of hiding. Go there until he's ready is to be curious, to ask questions. How can I support you? What can we do? What things can we say or not say? Because the truth is is that he took the first step to share, but he doesn't want to take the next step, to start the process. So there's a big barrier there that he may not see.

Serena: 30:26

And you asking questions and being thoughtful and curious might actually his answers, might answer his own internal question, which will then lead him to the next step. Guiding someone and pushing them is hard because they will resist and a lot of times we're blind to how we're perceived. And so when you start asking more questions and how did that make you feel and how does this feel and what are you comfortable with That'll start to uncover some of those things in a very gentle way to guide him, like what do you think you should do about this, right? Instead of saying you should go see a counselor, right? It will be like what do you think that you should do, like, what do you think is going to be healthy for you? Those are little baby steps to start getting him to recognize that he needs. Does that help a little Okay?

Linnea: 31:21

Yes, thank you so much, it really does.

Jen: 31:22

I just have to jump in and say, yes, this, this. The next topic I want to discuss with you is your kids, and I don't want to butcher their names. So my son is Adian and my daughter is Nevaeh. Okay, that's what I was thinking, but I had to double check, so they sound amazing. How has being a mom influenced your journey toward healing and managing anxiety and depression? Really?

Serena: 31:46

tough. I'm going to skip past some parts so that we can get a little bit deeper. And I'm going to skip past some parts so that we can get a little bit deeper and I'm going to share with you what my kids experienced and why this journey has been even harder. I was a single mom of my son and my daughter after many failed relationships, so I also had to learn through that process. I fell in love and I met someone who was in my life for 10 years. We got married, we blended our families and we were together for two years. Before we got married, we did a wedding in Napa. Obviously, we had our family on a caravan through all the wineries and we did the sand ceremony to unite our kids and it was a beautiful day.

Serena: 32:36

And two weeks after I returned back from our honeymoon at this point I was a VP of marketing working for a large corporation it was during lunch hour, I was in a C-suite executive office, so the office was empty and a woman had walked in to the reception area and I'm in my office trying to catch up on being gone for the wedding and the honeymoon. She looks directly at me and says my name and my heart kind of like dropped for a minute and I said is there anything I can do to help you? She walks in my office and closes the door behind her and sits down in front of me at my desk and she describes my house, she describes my kids and she sent me over 300 messages with pictures and videos that she had been with my husband for the entire past year before we got married. So when I talk about depression and devastation, this was just the beginning of a marriage that I continued in for 10 years. So there was big, monumental moments of healing and then there was big monumental moments that brought me back into the depths of darkness and you could imagine that as a mother, I thought I had to be strong. I thought I had to hide it from them. I thought like they can't know what's happening, so I just have to put on a mask and remember like later on in my marriage I also started a business and so like I was going through a lot of turmoil and the first time that he was unfaithful I was able to forgive. We were able to work through it, go through counseling, go through bootcamp, go through everything you can imagine to get our shit together to figure out how to make this work, because I didn't want to fail again. And it worked until the second thing happened.

Serena: 34:21

And the second time I fell into a very dark depression because the challenge when now you feel like you're in too deep, now you feel like I've started a business, I really am struggling financially. He worked in the business so, even though it was my business, he led the sales department. So if I made that decision because of his choices, if I created a consequence for him, it would hurt everyone else. You see how sticky that can get, because then I would have to let go of my staff because I wouldn't have enough sales and then I wouldn't have enough money to pay the mortgage and I'd have to give up everything I worked so hard to achieve. So those are all the things that are going through your mind while you start to fall into deeper and deeper depression. But then in front of my kids, I pretended I was strong and everything's great, and then, when I put them in bed, then I would go into the closet and this is when I started to see my body and everything, my health, deteriorate Because now that hiding all of those things and pretending on the outside that everything was great, not only in front of my kids but in front of my employees and in front of my things, and pretending on the outside that everything was great, not only in front of my kids but in front of my employees and in front of my family and in front of his family.

Serena: 35:35

I told no one about the second time, that he was unfaithful, because I was humiliated. And then what unfolded was that when I finally found out about the third one, I found the courage to leave. In that moment I had to go. My son, by this point, is 17, 18. He's about to be 18. My daughter was 13. My son worked in the business. I had to tell them this is what's happening. We're leaving. When that happened, I also had to tell my employees, because this is what happened and he's no longer with the company and we're going to be stronger than ever.

Serena: 36:16

And in this moment, when I'm sharing with my employees, my son walks in because he's on the team. I heard banter from across the room from my team. We have a no tolerance policy for gossip. I said hey guys, let's cut it there. This is a situation. We're moving past it. We don't have a tolerance for gossip. My son says, mom, they're not gossiping. I said, I'm sorry, what? Remember? I'd already endured so much leading up to this point.

Serena: 36:45

I found out that he was also with an employee that had recently left the company.

Serena: 36:50

That was one of my close members on my team and my entire staff knew about it and my son knew about it, and they thought they didn't want to humiliate me, so they thought keeping it a secret would be better.

Serena: 37:05

They were protecting you. They were protecting you. So, as you can see, as a story unfolds, pretending to be strong all the time, pretending that everything's OK, and they're also pretending to be strong, pretending to be OK, but in the truth, in this experience that I had, was that everyone saw what was happening and no one said anything. And so, when it comes to my kids, I've learned to be fully transparent, because 99% of the time they already, and it's better to face it and have those tough conversations with them than it is to keep pretending like you have it all together when you don't. Now I'm not saying to fall apart. What I am saying is I'm having a really tough time right now. Can you give me a little space or I need help. I don't know how to deal with this situation and I just need you to help me by understanding. Your kids will be 100% jumping in to save the day if you're just honest, instead of trying to pretend like you have it all together when you really don't.

Jen: 38:09

Absolutely, and we share with them the information that is appropriate for their age.

Serena: 38:42

You never. So one thing that I will always be an advocate for. I don't care what man has done what to me. I will never just completely destroy anyone with my words, because what does that show about you? And so know that in those conversations you don't villainize that other person and you don't even need to share the experience that's happening. All you need to say is yeah, I'm in a really tough time right now. I just need to deal with some things, and that alone helps people feel safe around you. That's not where it ends either.

Jen: 39:19

There are consequences for holding it all in, for being strong, for not being transparent with those around us. Andy has a huge example of doing that throughout her life, and I can either say it for you or you can share if you want to.

Andi: 39:36

So this one time I was fine and I told people that for like 16 years. And I went to work and I died for 38 minutes Random cardiac arrest. Sudden mid-sentence met Jesus minutes. Random cardiac arrest. A sudden mid-sentence met Jesus pulling back but my mask of fine.

Andi: 39:52

That day my daughter asked me if I was okay. I had literally just come out of my closet from crying. I hated everything about me, picking myself apart, wiped my face, looked her right in the face and said mom is fine, wrong for her, went to work and died. She's angry still. That was five years ago, almost she's angry still. The first thing she said ago almost she's angry still.

Andi: 40:09

The first thing she said to me was why did you lie to me? I could have taken it. If you weren't okay, I could have taken it. There's layers to that and what I thought I was doing in protecting her gave her the layer of trauma that I never wanted her to have because I just didn't think that she would be able to handle everything that mommy goes through. And she told me as an adult I see it and I was caring for you anyway. I see you and I loved you anyway, but why don't you just trust me enough to show up for you, like you show up for me To say mommy's not helping, yep.

Andi: 40:38

And so now people are like are you fine? I'm not good, I don't have the capacity. No is my favorite word Nope, I don't have the capacity. I don't have the emotional capacity, I don't have physical capacity, I don't want to. No period, no, I'm good, are you okay? I don't want to talk about it, but when I have the words, we can. But I wasn't always like that and I tell people don't let your last breath be your first breath, because that is what it was for me. My last breath was my first breath of living, because I had been so dark for so long that I had forgotten how to breathe for me and speak life into me. So that has just been amazing. Thank you for sharing and being so transparent and open and vulnerable.

Jen: 41:18

I know it's got to be a hard topic for you, serena, and for each of us in different ways. Some of us have maybe experienced some of the things that you have maybe not at the level that you have, but just the fact that you've been opening up and being vulnerable with us. I want you to know how much we appreciate you Absolutely.

Serena: 41:35

And I always say pain is pain. There's not different levels. It all hurts the same.

Jen: 41:42

It just does. It just does. Okay, you have more to share with us. I'm on the seat of my pants. Okay For those. It just does. Okay, you have more to share with us.

Serena: 41:48

I'm on the seat of my pants. Okay, are those listening? Yes, definitely sit down, because then you guys thought that was bad. So the first time that this woman walked into my office yeah, that was a rough one. The response that my husband had was I'm going to hurt myself if you leave. Okay, I can't live without you. All of these statements that made me, at the time, feel responsible, that if I drew a boundary too strong or if I left, that something would happen. The second time that I found out about him being unfaithful, the response was worse he started cutting himself. He was driving drunk in a very busy city, threatening to take his life. So I'm really going to share with you in this moment.

Serena: 42:45

When I made the decision to leave, I made the decision that I was no longer responsible for other people's choices and that the only person that I could change is myself, and so I left my husband in October of 2019, and he committed suicide in March of 2020. The night that he took his life, he sent me a text message and it said I'm so grateful for all the memories that we shared and I'm so grateful, you know, for you and I'm so sorry for all the things that I did to hurt you. And when I woke up in the middle of the night I read the message and I was like, hmm, this is awesome. He's finally at a place where he's acknowledging what happened and that this is awesome. And I just went back to bed. I woke up the next morning to about 15 missed calls from his girlfriend at the time and in the story that I'm about to share, I'm sharing about how this happened, the cycle of trying to fill a void was what he was living. He was trying to fill a void with sex, with money, with drugs, whatever it was. He was trying to fill a void with attention. And the challenge is that when you try to fill a void, you're still empty. You have to acknowledge that there's a void, understand where it's coming from and identify ways to heal that part of you instead of numbing it with all of these other things. And that night there was an argument between the two of them. He had found out that she was also with other men. He was also with other women. It became a blowout argument. He fired a gunshot and it went into the fireplace. She didn't know what had happened. She ran outside in through the back. That's where she was, so she was staying in the back and they announced that they were coming in and before they could tell him to put down the gun, he shot himself in the head in front of the officers.

Serena: 45:00

I have to say that if I didn't make the decision before I left to accept that I was no longer responsible for the choices that other people made, including him, I was no longer responsible for protecting him from himself, if I didn't make that choice, I would have carried a lot of weight. But because I was already in that healing process and I had decided that I couldn't earn love, you cannot earn love. It has to be freely given. If that person is not capable of giving it to you and you have to make the hard decision to walk away, you also have to know that you're doing it for the right reasons to help that person, not to hurt them, and so you're no longer responsible for the outcome of that situation.

Serena: 45:50

And that's the hardest part that my children had to face, because for my son, this was really the only father he ever knew. I mean, this man was in his life for 10 years. They were like inseparable, they were best friends. For my daughter, you know, having somebody that is that strong in your life leave. It was a really terrifying moment that they had to experience, and I learned through their experiences that we all have our own path to healing and I had to help them on their own, because each of them have trauma from that situation.

Jen: 46:33

That is definitely to be expected.

Linnea: 46:35

I like how you said to leave to help them, not hurt them. I think that's a really important soundbite for our listeners like to leave them to help them, not hurt them. That's really important and really powerful.

Serena: 46:46

I want people to recognize that saving others and protecting others is not our job. We have to protect ourselves and we have to search within to find our own healing. In order to do that, we have a tendency to distract our efforts to saving everyone else, protecting everyone else, doing for everyone else, and that is an earning behavior. That's how we earn approval, that's how we earn love, that's how we earn our value. The reality is is that the only person that you need to be focused on saving is yourself.

Jen: 47:24

This episode is not about me, but I have thoughts and memories and part of me wants to share. But part of me is wondering if it's appropriate. I can even cut it out later, but I found myself in a situation dating somebody that I thought was wonderful. He had parents that were school teachers. I was divorced. They loved on my three-year-old like no other, and then I found out I was dating a guy with an alcohol problem, a drug problem, and then he got physical. This brings up a lot for me, as I imagine it will for many people. I appreciate that we can talk about it.

Jen: 47:55

I remember being in a situation in my apartment in my kitchen he grabbed one of my kitchen knives and he was pointing it at his heart. I remember how many times I was threatened with him harming himself. I was ready to leave. It took many, many times this man raped me. This man did many things to me. Finally, I had someone sit me down and say I love you too much to keep watching this happen. I think my life would have continued down that hole if somebody would have sat me down and said I love you too much. And so what did I do? I quit my job, I went to school and eventually I met a great man that loved my daughter like she was his own. I don't know where my life would have gone. This is my call out to tell people you are not accountable for their decision. You are accountable for you, your body, your decision, your family, your children, not them it's not your fault.

Serena: 48:45

I think that is really powerful. I think that people don't know how to do it. They don't know how to lead. You guys are going to make fun of me, but I created an acronym because I really just had to understand. And I have it here because I was so focused on staying, so focused on figuring it out. And when I created this little acronym, it helped me to identify the next steps, because when you choose to leave, it's also one of the most dangerous, and so how do you facilitate that? I want to make sure that I share this in a way that people can remember it, and so it's prepare.

Serena: 49:32

So the P is for planning. You need to plan, identify your resources. That's what R is for you need to understand resources. When I am talking about resources, it's like who do you talk to? Who do you go to? Who knows about this before you leave?

Serena: 49:49

E is for create an exit plan. So not only are you preparing your total plan and getting all the resources in place, what happens when you leave. The exit strategy is a big portion because you need to know the next step. The other P is for it's for patience. Don't make a rash decision in the heat of the moment, that's the worst thing to do. It Make sure that you, if you're already creating a plan, getting the resources together, creating an exit strategy patience is a huge part of this, because you need to leave at the right time.

Serena: 50:22

A is for accountability. You need to find people that will hold you accountable, that are also aware of what's happening, so that they know that you're safe. Then, when you do leave, when you're ready to leave, you have all your resources, you have your exit strategy, you have your sense of community, you have the person who knows if you're safe or not, then it's safe to exit. And so the reason that's so important is because without a plan and just running, a lot of times you'll go right back, because what happens is the personality type that falls into addiction, that tries to fill these voids, that is abusive, whether it's emotional or physical. That personality type knows how to draw you back in and you're not strong enough to create that barrier. Until you get that sense of community around you and the resources and everything you need in place, that's when it's safe to take that step. I didn't know it at the time, but it's a beautiful thing. I learned in my journey that I wish someone would have given me that gift.

Linnea: 51:26

That acronym is not silly at all. That's amazing. It needs to be written out and shared with the world.

Jen: 51:31

I'm picturing a giant poster, a social media post and, if it's not included, a go bag Everyone that's in these sort of situations and is trying to get out. You need a go bag because there might be a moment where it is just too dangerous and it's time to get the heck out of there, or maybe you finally have the opportunity to get out of there. So that go bag is really important, A hundred percent. Wow, I just thank you so much for the transparency that you shared with us today, because we need more people willing to talk about it.

Serena: 52:06

Thank you for even giving me the opportunity. I am just so honored to be here.

Linnea: 52:11

I want to thank you as well for being here and also helping friends and family who would like to support and help. I think that's really important for our listeners who want to help their friends and family in this situation.

Ali: 52:22

Thank you, I think it's just wonderful that you're sharing your story. My mom was a respite worker and she worked with several children that were in your situation, that were in foster care, and she watched them as a teenager, seeing that, not knowing how to help them, because I'm a kid. But now, seeing you and your story, I am just so glad that you're willing to share your story for people like me where it's not happening to me, but I have people around me that it's happening to. Now I know how to help them. In Allie's case, a family member I would have never thought of half the stuff you just said about the prepare, because I've been fortunate enough not to be in that situation.

Ali: 53:06

I think it's very important what you're sharing right now and thank you, it's been a blessing to listen to you.

Jen: 53:09

Do you hope that?

Serena: 53:10

listeners. There's a quote that I want to leave you with that leads into what I want everyone to feel like they can do. You do not have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Instead, light the fire within and draw forward to that path of healing, because when we hide all of the things that are weighing on us, what it really does is it weighs on our internal body, which then causes us to be even more unhealthy. And so, if you have some of these challenges where you're depressed and you're struggling, seek a sense of community, because you don't have to be the one that is standing strong alone. There are people around you, and the moment that you ask for help, you will be utterly surprised at all the people who want to lift you up, absolutely.

Jen: 54:05

Absolutely Again. Thank you so much for your time and listeners Definitely go check out that book. It happens to be on Audible, so if you're not a big reader you can listen to it too.